rough weekend

training monday kinda sucked but its whatever just had a tournament saturday. i think it sucked because i was really disappointed in myself from this tournament..

i just didnt prepare right for this one i feel like.. i ate pure shit night before, i didnt lose any weight for this tournament even though weigh ins were day before. now im paying for it.. driving myself crazy over it. before this weekend i felt like i deserved a purple belt and was ready for it. now a part of me feels like i dont deserve shit..

shark said he really feels like im ready to be a purple and shit.. its just my call whether or not i want to test. i think i just put myself in a mental slump cause of my poor performance at naga... im at a low point.. im waiting to see if i feel better this week and next week.. that'll decide what i decide to do about the testing i suppose. ive re-dedicated myself to learning new guards and sweeps and just expanding my game. ive also decided that i need to get stronger.. my main training partners are at least 30lbs heavier than me.. if i was a little stronger i would feel 10x better against these big guys.. i hate that feeling of just not being strong enough..

i feel i do deserve one.. i just need to see how i feel and how i feel mentally in the next few days or weeks.